Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
