He had one of those small greek statue penises
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
