I didn't shave. On purpose
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
