I'm so fucking centered right now
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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