I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
