I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Randomize
