god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
