Betty ford says i'm here all night
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
