I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
