apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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