Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.