I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.