I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
