Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need Xanax blowdarts
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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