he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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