3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
