I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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