I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
