Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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