Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
