Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
