Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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