He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
