anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
