you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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