also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
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there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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