I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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