I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
