he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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