I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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