Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize