vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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