I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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