As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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