There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
