Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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