1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
