He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
