She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
