Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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