So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
