I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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