All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
my poor anus
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
