Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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