i permit you to call me
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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