I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
