I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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