You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
