I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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