I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
