he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
