I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
