I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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